Unsettled

I've been bored for the last several months. Not in so much as the "nothing to do" sort of boredom. One look around my life and anyone can see that there are plenty of things to do. Rather, it's a stirring of being unsettled. Something inside of me is bubbling up and to be honest, for months I haven't been able to pinpoint exactly what it is. I have often thought that it's just my attention deficit tendencies gearing up for my next project. But then, something comes over me and I realize that's not the case. This uneasiness is different. And I've tried to satiate it with further learning through books, with entertainment through games, with activity through cycling, with spiritual growth through fellowship and prayer......yet still, this uneasiness remains.

I'm not sure if I've pinpointed exactly what it is, but I do think that I've got a good idea what is happening.

The other day, I met my mother-in-law at McDonalds. She had Keegan and he told her that the needed to go to McDonalds for lunch. Not being one to disappoint her grandson, she happily took him there knowing full well that his intentions were to play more than they were to eat lunch. By the time I arrived, Keegan was in full playtime-mode. He maneuvered himself throughout the tunnels with ease. He hopped over floor obstacles like a refined track athlete leaping over hurdles. He laughed, he made friends, he laughed some more.

As I sat watching him, I started to survey the room. I noted that Keegan was one of the older children. Most all others were still in diapers. Many of them carried around their sippy cup. When an argument between two of the children broke out, there was lots of finger pointing followed by verbiage only their mothers could interpret. A few were beginning to rub their eyes indicating their need for a nap. And most every mother within the walls of this playland had that frazzled look. Their hair pulled back with wisps of a few strands going wild. Their shirts stained with sweet potatoes. And on their face was a pleasant expression with panic just below the surface. I could tell that these moms needed a nap too. They looked exhausted & confused, yet determined & self-empowered.

Then I saw myself. I sat there calm, content and at peace. I knew that my arsenal could handle anything that Keegan threw my way. Nothing frazzled me. I've done this for 9 years...sippy cups, diapers, mediation over who sat on the musical shoe first, drool, sleepless nights, teething, potty training, ABC's, and the self condemnation that seems to follow every mother like a shadow.

I wanted to say to all the other moms, "Come on, you can do this. It's only for a season and it's worth it. You made the right choice in deciding to stay at home. Don't give up. You're doing a great job. I made it, you can too! It does get easier, I promise!!" Instead, I would just smile with understanding when eye contact was made. And then it hit me......

Could this unsettled feeling that I have be the pains of transition? The turning of a page? For the last 9 years, there has always been a toddler in my lap. There has always been a butt to wipe, a boo-boo to kiss, a book to be read. Now, Keegan can navigate the tv and dvd player. He can play with his toys without having me there to watch. He doesn't need me as much. At least not as much as toddlers need their mom.

These last 9 years, my purpose and role has been very well defined. Now, I am at the cusp of a new chapter. And to be frank, I don't know where to take my first step. Do I return to work? If so, should it be full-time or part-time? Should I return to school? What is my purpose and role now? What skill-set do I need for this next chapter of parenting....well, besides my wooden spoon? Have I done a good job? Have I neglected my husband too much while focusing on babies/toddlers/pre-k'ers? At this point, I think I have more questions than answers.

One thing that I do have however, is a glimpse as to why I have been unsettled. I can see now that I have been searching for my new place...for my new role. I still don't know what that is. I still am apprehensive about making the wrong decisions. I still want to do what is best for my family.

Now that I see the closing of an old chapter and the beginning of a new one, I pray that I can celebrate my past victories and embrace my coming ones with confidence.

Natasha Bedingfield - New Music - More Music Videos

Grooming Keegan

Keegan surprises me a lot of times with his larger than life personality. He cracks me up with his sense of humor and amazes me with his thought process.

Recently, we pass the flower aisle at the grocery store and he chimes in with his request for flowers so that he can give them to me. As precious as that was, I told him that just knowing that he wanted to give me the flowers was enough followed by, "That's something that you ask Daddy to buy when it's just you and him at the store."

Well, Kenny and Keegan ran into Albertsons today as Jason, Dallas and myself waited in the car. Next thing I know, there is Keegan running up to my side of the car with this bouquet of flowers. He did just what I suggested and waited until it was he and Kenny in the store and then asked his Daddy to buy him some flowers so that he could give them to me. It was all his idea and his presentation of the flowers was priceless. With pride he handed them over telling me, "I bought you flowers, Momma!". He then gave me 2 hugs and a kiss and then climbed into his car seat. As I enjoyed the thoughts of him becoming a little gentleman, he shouted, "And now you won't spank my butt!"

Hmmm....seems that he is learning early to sweet talk the women in his life before he gets in trouble. I guarantee that the next time he gets into a little hot water, he will remind me of this nice gesture. His wheels are always spinning, that's for sure. :-)

Dumb Blonde

Recently, Kenny and I decided that we were going to refinance our house here in Texas to a 15 year fixed. We originally had plans on selling it in 2010, but the markets are good for refinance, and chances are, we won't sell anytime soon. So I took action to get the loan refinanced from a 30 to 15 year.

Since we've committed to staying in this house a little longer than we originally thought, I've been looking at the house with new eyes. Now I'm seeing all the home projects that need to be done since it will be a long term stay. Things like new paint colors, landscape ideas, and one area that definitely needs addressing are the upstairs windows.

There isn't anything wrong with the windows, per se. They work fine. But the placement of them on the upstairs level is just ridiculous. They are only about 2 feet off the ground. They are tall windows...this isn't a matter of aesthetics. The problem is that with a 3 year old in the house, we can NEVER open them upstairs. It's just too easy for Keegan to fall out of them. I don't know what architect thought of this brilliant idea. Anyway, it's something that we need to get fixed if we ever want a cool breeze to flow through our house.

The other day, I heard on the radio an advertisement from a window company offering 10 windows for $39.95. I was only half listening, but it caught my attention and registered in my brain: 10 for $39.95. I mentioned it to Kenny, a bit perplexed at the catch and he asked me if it was for window cleaning. I said I didn't know and would listen for the add again. So when I heard it again and verified that it wasn't for window cleaning, I wrote down the information and called to make an appointment for a free estimate. All this time, I had been wondering what the catch was. Is this for the glass only? How much for the hardware and labor? I thought that they were going to say, "Yeah, the windows are that much, but the labor is $800."...or something like that. I knew I was stepping into some marketing scheme. But my thought was that if I could get a ballpark figure as to how much it would be, at least I'd know what route to take regarding our upstairs windows.

Well, today was our consultation. Kenny had been up all day and decided to stay up until the guys showed up. I ran out to pick up the boys from Kathy and on the way back, I called Kenny to find out if the window guys had shown up yet as I was running about 5 minutes late. He told me that they had shown up and had already left. Kenny, I'm sure, played the part of "I-can't-believe-my-wife-is-so-dingy" husband as he teased me about my window find. He told me that the 10 windows were $4,000. I couldn't understand this no matter how I ran the math. Even if they were $40 a piece, that only amounted to $400. So what extra cost brought them to $4,000? Kenny actually had to explain it a couple of times until I realized that the radio advertisement was for $3,995 for 10 windows....not $39.95. Uh.......oh........yeah.......that makes sense.........wow, this is really embarrassing......really.....really....embarassing. Well, at least I wasn't there when the window guys showed up. Then I would have had to face that embarrassing dilemma personally. Wow....this is almost as embarrassing as when I walked into that pole a couple of weeks ago....just like this guy.

Angels

As I recall last night's events, I'm finding myself pretty grateful. Not only because Keegan's temperature dropped down quickly from 106.7 to 104 to what it is today, 101. But because I have angels in my life like Briana Moss.

Briana, thank you again for being there for this panicked mother. Thank you for sleeping with your phone by your side "just in case". Thank you for never clocking out of your role as Nurse. But mostly, thank you for being such a prime example of what a true friend is. I am indebted and honored to know you.

Mini-vacation

So...I haven't been the best at keeping up with my blogs. And I guess if I were going to set a New Years resolution, it would be to post more often. But since I don't have much to say, I will just post the pictures. A few are from Fall baseball, a couple are from Christmas time, but the majority of them are from our family's recent Martin Luther King weekend get-away to Florida.