Haiti

I'm ashamed to say it, but most of the time I really don't bother watching or reading the news. I'm sure on some level, it's because I don't want to hear about all of the chaos that surrounds us. Maybe it's a defense mechanism. Or maybe, I'm just too self centered and worried about my own little world. I'm so caught up in my own problems to consider those of real magnitude. Such was the case this morning as I scrolled through the Yahoo home page. I saw the leading story about Haiti and their earthquake, but purposefully didn't bother to read about the details. I went on to read about the Texas Longhorn QB who proposed to his girlfriend; then I found my way on to read about Sarah Palin's new gig with Fox. Yet in the back of my mind, I knew that the Haiti earthquake headline awaited me; I just didn't want to know the details.

It seemed at first glance that yet another earthquake had hit yet another impoverished country and that thousands were feared dead. Yet as long as I stay away from the details, it's just another sad chapter in history. The quake happened in a land far removed from my world and as long as I steered clear of the details, particularly the imagery, I could move on with my day. But I didn't...I clicked on the link, watched the news videos, examined the images...and here I sit, humbled and embarrassed and ashamed of my skewed version of hardship.

Last night, I tucked my boys into a warm bed knowing that they had food in the stomachs and a pantry full of food waiting for them in the morning. They would wake up to clean clothes, shoes for their feet and jackets to wear for their warmth. They would board a bus to spend a day learning how to read, write, analyze and problem solve. They will return safely home in about an hour to entertain themselves with activities which will include video games, computers, tv, books, ipods, sporting equipment, bikes, the list goes on and on. They will fill their bellies tonight with nutritional food that they will most certainly complain about. They will ask for dessert...and probably get some. They will bath with hot water, put on clean pajamas, brush their bi-annually inspected teeth, and climb back into a warm bed. They will fall asleep after prayer time and a little "shhh...mom's coming" goofing off. Yet, I still find things to fret over.

Why does it take a death of a loved one or a major catastrophe to put things into perspective. And how quickly we will return to business as usual once the proverbial dust settles.

I'm ashamed that I don't invest myself more into the concerns and hardships of others. I used to. I don't know why I don't as much anymore. Maybe at some point, the emotional drain of caring so much left me exhausted. And that thought leads me further into a deep reverence of God who never tires of being concerned over our welfare and hearts. How His heart must bleed for us. Now, in the wake of this devestation, what will His people do? What will I do? Most certainly, I will pray. But beyond that...will I go make a donation to the Red Cross? Will I do nothing more that toss this over and over in my mind and continue to pray? Or will I hold on to this moment and use it as a perspective reference? I suppose the right thing to do is to continue to pray and listen for God's prompting...and then act on it. Lord, soften my heart and speak to me. Give me the strength to follow through with what You ask of me. And Lord, please...please...comfort the people of Haiti.

Unsettled

I've been bored for the last several months. Not in so much as the "nothing to do" sort of boredom. One look around my life and anyone can see that there are plenty of things to do. Rather, it's a stirring of being unsettled. Something inside of me is bubbling up and to be honest, for months I haven't been able to pinpoint exactly what it is. I have often thought that it's just my attention deficit tendencies gearing up for my next project. But then, something comes over me and I realize that's not the case. This uneasiness is different. And I've tried to satiate it with further learning through books, with entertainment through games, with activity through cycling, with spiritual growth through fellowship and prayer......yet still, this uneasiness remains.

I'm not sure if I've pinpointed exactly what it is, but I do think that I've got a good idea what is happening.

The other day, I met my mother-in-law at McDonalds. She had Keegan and he told her that the needed to go to McDonalds for lunch. Not being one to disappoint her grandson, she happily took him there knowing full well that his intentions were to play more than they were to eat lunch. By the time I arrived, Keegan was in full playtime-mode. He maneuvered himself throughout the tunnels with ease. He hopped over floor obstacles like a refined track athlete leaping over hurdles. He laughed, he made friends, he laughed some more.

As I sat watching him, I started to survey the room. I noted that Keegan was one of the older children. Most all others were still in diapers. Many of them carried around their sippy cup. When an argument between two of the children broke out, there was lots of finger pointing followed by verbiage only their mothers could interpret. A few were beginning to rub their eyes indicating their need for a nap. And most every mother within the walls of this playland had that frazzled look. Their hair pulled back with wisps of a few strands going wild. Their shirts stained with sweet potatoes. And on their face was a pleasant expression with panic just below the surface. I could tell that these moms needed a nap too. They looked exhausted & confused, yet determined & self-empowered.

Then I saw myself. I sat there calm, content and at peace. I knew that my arsenal could handle anything that Keegan threw my way. Nothing frazzled me. I've done this for 9 years...sippy cups, diapers, mediation over who sat on the musical shoe first, drool, sleepless nights, teething, potty training, ABC's, and the self condemnation that seems to follow every mother like a shadow.

I wanted to say to all the other moms, "Come on, you can do this. It's only for a season and it's worth it. You made the right choice in deciding to stay at home. Don't give up. You're doing a great job. I made it, you can too! It does get easier, I promise!!" Instead, I would just smile with understanding when eye contact was made. And then it hit me......

Could this unsettled feeling that I have be the pains of transition? The turning of a page? For the last 9 years, there has always been a toddler in my lap. There has always been a butt to wipe, a boo-boo to kiss, a book to be read. Now, Keegan can navigate the tv and dvd player. He can play with his toys without having me there to watch. He doesn't need me as much. At least not as much as toddlers need their mom.

These last 9 years, my purpose and role has been very well defined. Now, I am at the cusp of a new chapter. And to be frank, I don't know where to take my first step. Do I return to work? If so, should it be full-time or part-time? Should I return to school? What is my purpose and role now? What skill-set do I need for this next chapter of parenting....well, besides my wooden spoon? Have I done a good job? Have I neglected my husband too much while focusing on babies/toddlers/pre-k'ers? At this point, I think I have more questions than answers.

One thing that I do have however, is a glimpse as to why I have been unsettled. I can see now that I have been searching for my new place...for my new role. I still don't know what that is. I still am apprehensive about making the wrong decisions. I still want to do what is best for my family.

Now that I see the closing of an old chapter and the beginning of a new one, I pray that I can celebrate my past victories and embrace my coming ones with confidence.

Natasha Bedingfield - New Music - More Music Videos

What Qualifies?

Yesterday, I attended a luncheon/baby shower for a lovely friend who is due in December. Her and her husband are adding a baby girl to the two boys that they already have. She is incredibly small for the month that she is in and looks absolutely fabulous.

The shower was a small affair; only about 7 ladies attended. For the most part, the common denominator is baseball and our sons. With only an exception or two, most of our sons have at one time or another played on the same baseball team. Through those games, we have established a friendship of sorts and have on occasion gone out for drinks and dinner after a game.

Over the course of the shower was the expected casual talk. During one exchange, I mentioned that I stay at home. Two of the ladies showed a level of surprise accompanied by the response that I didn't strike them as the "stay at home" type. And that got me to wondering.... what exactly IS the "stay at home" type?

Thinking back on my treasured days with my fellow stay-at-home moms in Reno, I reviewed who they were and where they came from. Several had post-graduate degrees, most had at least a 4 year degree, and every single one of us left a promising career. Speaking for myself, there have been countless occasions where I have wondered how in the world I could be programming one day and wiping butt the next.

I then moved on to appearance. I wondered if maybe "stay at home moms" stereotypically let themselves go. Do we look unkept? Are we constantly frazzled? I guess I can understand that stereotype. There are only so many times you can get barfed on before your wardrobe starts to look a little drab. However, once again I thought back to the ladies I know and can very vividly recall physical and inward beauty beyond measure. They showered and put make up on daily and even ironed their clothes when needed.

Then the realization kicked in that maybe stay at home moms are more loving and prepared for their children. Do they have chilled sippy cups at any given moment? Are they constantly stocked with healthy snacks? Suddenly, flashbacks of the previous day hit me and I wonder how I must look to those around me.

You see, I could tell right away that Saturday was going to be "one of those days" with my youngest son, Keegan. Alone and at wits end, I still had to manage a 2 hour volunteer shift at the baseball concession stand with kids in tow. The only reinforcements that I had were the bribed eyes of Jason and the trusted enforcer of all that is good....my wooden spoon.

Yes, I admit it....I have a wooden spoon and I use it on my children's backside when needed. Believe me, I don't have to use it often. The mere sight of it causes their pucker reflex to kick in and miraculously, they change whatever behavior has prompted me to pull out the spoon in the first place. Anyway, I brought it to the baseball field as a visual reminder for Keegan. It sat in my side cargo pant pocket and caught the fearful eye of many children and the chuckle of many mothers. Mostly though, I preoccupied Keegan with about 7 slushies. Only a couple of times did I pull out the spoon to remind him that it was only a grab away.

So back to my curiosity....what qualifies me to not strike someone as a stay at home mom? I didn't take their comment as an insult, nor do I believe that they meant it as such. But as I sit here and try to break down the meaning of it, I admit that I am curious. Is it my appearance, my verbiage, my attitude, my lack of preparedness....I can only sit here and wonder.

Turn Back Time

In trying to get a bit more organized and decorative around the house, I stumbled upon a box labeled "Pictures". Thinking that it would hold a few pictures worth framing, I opened it hoping to find some snapshots of the boys that I hadn't seen in a while. Instead, I found a few hidden gems from my childhood and recent past. After a little color correction help via Photoshop, I thought it would be fun to share.

Thankful For The Little Things

Now that the weather has cooled down a few degrees here in Texas, I decided to slip on a pair of jeans this morning. I haven't worn them in a while...maybe a couple of months. Anyway, to my surprise, I didn't have to spray cooking oil on my legs to get them on! Hey, this working out stuff must be paying off. Whoo-hoo!!

The scale tells me that I've actually gained two pounds, but I'm telling myself that those 32 ounces must be muscle. Either that or I'm bloated and about to see Auntie Rose. I'll take either as long as my jeans continue to fit a little looser each time I slide my legs into them. Yes, I'm thankful for the little things.



Jason has returned to school and the chaos in the house has settled down a bit. He also started fall-ball and is very excited to be running the bases with his friends once again. And, about a week ago, he lost a second front tooth in his tiny, but loud, little mouth. You would think that having a less than fully-functioning mouth would keep him from talking as much or bossing around his brothers or eating or screaming...yet that hasn't happened. It's a mystery to me.

Anyway, when I was his age and lost my two front teeth, I remember my dad taking me outside for a portrait with his old-school 110 film camera with the rotating flash cube. He hoisted me up onto his beloved Pinto and captured the same toothless grin seen here. Come to think of it, there really aren't many differences between Jason and I at 7 with the exception of Jason's hair. (His is much nicer.) We both wanted to wear boys clothes and play sports all day. However, unlike myself at his age, kids don't come up to Jason and ask him if he's a boy or a girl. Thank the good Lord above that I don't get asked that question anymore. Yes, I'm thankful for the little things.



As for Dallas, he has started karate at our local Little Gym. I'm secretly hoping that he will learn enough moves to humble his cocky older brother. I know that he's not suppose to use his moves outside of where he learns them unless it is an emergency. But I know my child...and I can guarantee that Jason will become his favorite practice punching bag. And I'm ok with that. Dallas gets lost in the mix being the middle child. I want him to have self confidence and a sense of identity seperate from Jason. I think that enrolling him in something like karate will allow him to do just that. Plus, it gives me 1 hour a week of alone time. Yes, I am thankful for the little things.




As for Keegan, he continues to explore the world around him. As you can imagine, he constantly follows his two older brothers and tries to mimick their every move. Considering that their every move usually consists of wrestling, yelling, fighting, farting and calling out my name every 7 seconds, I'm overwhelmed quite often. I'm outnumbered with these boys and the day they truly figure that out, I'm up the creek.

At the end of the day when I lay my head on my pillow and thank God for the blessings that these boys are, I also thank Him that He gave me enough common sense to stop reproducing. Yes, I am thankful for the little things.



On that note, I sign off. I have this urgent need to phone my therapist in regard to the "Are you a boy or a girl?" question that I received so often as a child.

Jr. High All Over Again

After a fun exchange of messages with a friend of mine, I jokingly promoted his placement in my "Top Friends" myspace area. And that got me to thinking and analyzing and wondering about this "Top Friends" myspace option and how many friendships have been effected by it.

Think about it, Myspace gives you the option to rank your friends; to put them in a placement of importance based on what your criteria is. That could be how close you are with them, how long you've known them, family relationship, age, the date that they were added to your friends list....the criteria options really are endless.

What's disturbing about this is that you can watch your own placement move around based on the new friends that are added to someone else's friends list. Yes, I am speaking from experience...I notice these things; not only with my placement but with others as well. Sometimes you're moved up...sometimes your moved down. Sometimes, you're moved entirely off the "Top Friends" page.

Now, as an adult...I can shrug these things off. Good gracious, there are sooo many more important things to worry about than where you are on your buddy's Myspace page. In fact, even typing that sentence makes me feel like I'm 13 again. Which is where I'm going with this. Seeing that Myspace is huge with the younger kids, I wonder how many relationships have been altered or effected by this public display of "I like you more than her, but not more than him." Talk about a self-esteem crusher! I remember what it was like to be young and to worry about nonsense like this. And that was back when your pecking order wasn't on display for the world to see!

I can't imagine being a young 13 year old girl today. For as cool as Myspace is as a tool to keep people connected, it's also just another way to proclaim whose click you belong to and the pecking order therein. I don't think I ever realized this until I moved my friend around and got to thinking about it all. And that really got me to realizing how damaging it could be to the self esteem of so many young ladies in this superficial country that we live in today.

Not that this theme of favoritism should be surprising, really. We live in country filled with people who cast their weekly vote for their favorite singer/dancer/comedian. We even have cell phones with a top 5 friends list. It just seems like more and more things are falling into the realm of rankings....and most of those for the public to see.

I admit, my top friends are there and ranked accordingly for a reason. I guess that makes me just as guilty as the next person for putting them in any order at all. And even though I based my top friends on who I check in with/on most often, it's still a very strange concept to embrace. I guess I just find it all a bit funny and sad and thought provoking at the same time.

So, for the record, I gathered my "top friends" and thought that I'd share a little about each of them....

• Planedoctor: That very ugly woman would happen to be my very handsome husband. He is the love of my life...even if he never logs in to his Myspace account. At the end of the day, he is all that I ever dreamed of in a husband and father.


• Raquel: This is my best friend of 22 years. She is so awesome. She has a contagious laugh and smile and a heart of gold. We have shared a lot through life...births, deaths and everything in between. And even though we don't get to see each other as often as we'd like to, I know that we'll be friends to the grave.


• Krissy: She is another friend that I will have for life. One of my very best buds. She has witnessed the birth of two of my boys and I love her dearly...probably more than she knows. Mostly, I miss her and all the fun stuff we use to do together, like painting and crafts and conversation over coffee and visiting new house models and watching our kids play and grow together.


• Alfredo: He's my hot online sancho. ;-) We match wits quite well.


• Justin: My dear brother in law whom I love deeply. He reminds me of a big teddy bear. He can look intimidating and put up a good front, but I know his heart...and it's a very sweet one.


• Dave: My other brother-in-law whom I also love to pieces. He is very outgoing and personable and very fun to hang out with. It's always a good time when we're together. Gotta love family.


• Caryn: This is my workout buddy....my Pflugerville friend...my margarita matey. She kicks my ass at the gym and keeps me laughing with her personality. Our boys are rock stars on the baseball diamond and get along really well together. I'm sure that they will be buds throughout their school years....and she'll still be kicking my ass at the gym.

Anyway, I was just pondering this subject and thought that it was interesting food for thought.

Happy Anniversary

Yesterday, June the 8th, my mom and dad celebrated their 36th wedding anniversary. In between a baseball scrimmage and dinner, I managed to call them on my cell to wish them well. I didn't really get to talk to them for long due to poor reception and lots of background noise. Anyway, they were doing the usual....relaxing and unwinding after a full week of work. They told me of their intention to celebrate 36 years of marriage by going out to lunch today and catching a matinee showing of "Ocean's 13". And of course, Dad, as always, sent Mom a beautiful bouquet of flowers.

Although I didn't get to talk with them much, I've been thinking about them all day and pondering what it takes to make it through 36 years of marriage.

Kenny and I have been married 11 years. At times, it has been storybook bliss. At times, it has mirrored "War of the Roses". Graveyard shifts, children, personal struggles & unhappiness, financial stress, the busyness of life....all of these reasons and more have grabbed at Kenny and I both in an attempt to separate our oneness as husband and wife. And to be truthful, there have been times when our marriage has come close to dissolving. We have been through marriage counseling, we have been spiteful and neglectful with each other....we have entertained the idea of throwing in the towel and living a life apart.

But neither of us come from divorced parents. And I guess we're just to stubborn to give up when the going gets rough. When I took Kenny's hands and looked into his eyes on our wedding day.....when I said my vows.....I distinctly remember the emotion that overcame me. I knew that every word that I was saying, I meant with every fiber of my being. I wasn't going through the motions. I....meant....every....single....word. And I guess for that reason, I have never given up on us.

A very dear friend of mine, my mentor mom in MOPS, Reno, told me and a group of women that no one else will fight for your marriage. Having been there herself, she encouraged us to fight for what was ours and to not let the world succeed in its separating endeavors. At times, she said, it will seem like the world is against your marriage...and YOU will have to fight for it. No one else will engage that battle for you....YOU must fight for your marriage. She fought for hers and reaps the benefits of a Godly marriage today. I do so admire my mentor mom, Christy Turner.

A couple of years ago, I called my parents to admit to them the difficulties that Kenny and I were having in our marriage. As I cried and asked my mom if there were ever times when she wanted to leave my dad, she told me, "HELL YES!!! Almost every year!". And then before she was overcome with emotion, she said that had she left my dad, she wouldn't be enjoying the fruits of their labor today. I'll never forget that.

I guess those two examples stand out in my mind the most when the going gets rough between Kenny and I. I've always been stubborn and determined....and I suppose those are good traits to have when it comes to the longevity of marriage. Plus, the bottom line is that Kenny and I have always had something worth saving. He is a good man; no...he is great man. A loving and involved father, a wonderful provider, always willing to work on problems as they arise, sacrificial, selfless, and handsome to boot. I do love my husband dearly. Even when he picks his feet. And I look forward to celebrating every anniversary that our lives allow with him and him alone.

My grandmother (who tried to run off my dad when he was courting my mom, Dallas at two months old, my mom, my dad and Jason at 2 years old.

Stuck in a funk

I've been in a funk for the last month and can't seem to snap out of it. I can't pinpoint one exact reason for the foul mood. I know that the house still not selling is a major stress point in my life. That combined with the fact that I am extremely home sick are probably the major contributing factors. Anyway, I'm tired of being in this funk and wish that I would just snap out of it.

Our house in Reno is still on the market and we still have the same potential buyers on the line. Apparently they are very interested in submitting an offer, but can't do so until another offer that they submitted on a foreclosure gets cancelled by the bank holding the note. All the while, we wait on pins and needles wondering if these are the people who will actually purchase it.

I don't know how much longer we can ride this out. Kenny, on average, is working 60-70 hours a week. The ripple effect is that by the end of his day, he is exhausted and I am at the end of my rope from handling the boys and the house. He comes home and tries to help out...he's such a good husband and father. And I repay him by either withdrawing emotionally from him or by lashing out over piddly items that aren't worth bickering over in the grand scheme of things.

Proverbs 13:12 says, "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fullfilled is the tree of lfe." Right now, I can completely embrace this truth as absolute. My heart is sick...very very sick. Hope for us has been deferred for over a year now. And I feel like everything hinges on the selling of our house.

I don't really go out and make attempts to foster new friendships. That fact alone has been poison for my attitude. For my sanity's sake, I need the fellowship of friends. However, I have no desire to make new ones here. I feel myself holding back....almost in fear of cheating on my friends in Reno. I think somewhere deep down, I feel as though if I make new friends here in Texas, I will be lessening the value of their friendships. Ironically, one of my best friends (I have four: Raquel, Cyndi, Kristen and Erin) sent me a beautiful and uplifting card telling me how much she longs to hear that I have made new friends. That thought alone brings tears to my eyes....she is so selfless.

I guess the bottom line is that I'm lonely here and have been throwing my own little pity party. When I take a step back and look at what God has blessed us with here in Texas, I just want to kick myself for complaining......We are sitting at the cusp of having the opportunity to buy a home close to outright. The schools that my children will and are attending are top notch. I now have family in the same city...something that I have desperately wanted for years. Kenny has a great job with fantastic benefits. I have the opportunity to open my own photography business. This area is culturally rich. We still fly for free and can always go back home to visit our friends. There are so many blessings sitting in my lap.....so why am I so miserable? Someone, please slap me!

Remind me again

It's been one of those days where I could go on and on about everything that is not going my way. Believe me, I've got plenty to choose from.... Our Reno house....my feelings of inadequacy as a mother and wife....the dog; oh that dog and his behavior issues....the number of hours that Kenny has worked because of the stinking house in Reno....the list goes on and on and on.

Up until about 7:00pm this evening, that was just what I had planned on doing. I was going to plop down on my size 12 backside (yes, STILL) and vent via this blog. That's what I created it for; to be transparent and real and honest and to have an outlet for my every thought.

But then the lights went down and the curtain came up....and I heard the most beautiful sounds coming out of 70 first graders.

Tonight was the First Grade Performance for Jason's school. They performed a short musical based on farm animals and a pesky rooster who was a prompt and very consistent cock-a-doo-da-doodler.

Jason was a sheep.

And just like that, the worries of my day faded away. For 30 minutes, my precious son had my utmost attention and I drank in every second.

Kenny leans over and whispers in my ear, "Welcome to the next phase of our parenting life."

Next thing I know, I'm reminiscing over the last 6 years of my life and my heart swells with love.

Suddenly, the worries of my day don't seem so bad. My batteries are recharged and I feel as if I can make it through another day or thousand.

I'm so glad God blessed us with children. They have a way of bringing everything into perspective and teaching us what the truly important things in life are all about.

Tonight, I go to sleep knowing that even in the midst of chaos and disorder, I am still blessed beyond measure.

The cool thing about MySpace

So, when my brother-in-law clued me in on MySpace, I thought, "That is exactly what I DON'T need...another gadget that takes up more of my time." I didn't really see the point in it...seemed very juvenille and self-absorbed. And to be truthful, knowing my obsessive personality, I would probably take to it and spend way too much time with it anyway.

All good reasons to NOT creat an account, right? But NOOOOO, I created one anyway, "just to try it". I'm sure this is what crack addicts say about the first time they toked up a doobie. And although I'm not so into MySpace that I'm updating my profile or pictures every 3 days, I do log in just to snoop around to see what people are up to. I'm finding, however, that most people must be doing exactly what I'm doing, snooping, since it seems nobody ever updates what's going on in their lives. Ok...I can live with that. It's probably a good thing considering that if anyone actually blogged their life like a soap opera, I'd never get a thing done around this house.

Back to my point though...and I do have one. The cool thing about MySpace that I'm finding is the fact that when you find old friends or even acquaintances, you're mind magically takes you back to a time that you haven't thought about in years. People can remind you of events that you have long forgotten (sometimes by choice).

The magic in this is that it reminds you of where you've come from and who you are. Speaking for many mothers of young children, THAT is the biggest struggle of being a great mom; losing your identity. You pour so much time and energy into your children that you forget to put yourself on the list. The passions that you once had fade away amid the thousands of diaper changes and sleepless nights. I believe so many mothers, myself included, get caught up in the whirlwind of their children and martyr themselves for the sake of the family. The end result is that years (and unwanted pounds) later, they have disconnected with the core elements of who they once were.........In steps MySpace, ta-daaaaa, to save the day, or at least help us frazzled moms reconnect.

I've love the fact that you can see a face from yesteryear and you are immediately taken back in time. You have the opportunity to relive in your memory an experience that you may not have thought about in years. And suddenly you reconnect, if just for a moment, with who you once where; that person who has been an essential building block in whom you've become today. I think that's important; self reflection. A time to take inventory is essential for anyone who strives to better themselves and not just take up room on this planet. I believe that those who can do this throughout their lives are the ones who face death without fear. They have lived life on purpose...something I strive for, if not daily, then at least every time I'm reminded of where I came from and who I once was.