Unsettled

I've been bored for the last several months. Not in so much as the "nothing to do" sort of boredom. One look around my life and anyone can see that there are plenty of things to do. Rather, it's a stirring of being unsettled. Something inside of me is bubbling up and to be honest, for months I haven't been able to pinpoint exactly what it is. I have often thought that it's just my attention deficit tendencies gearing up for my next project. But then, something comes over me and I realize that's not the case. This uneasiness is different. And I've tried to satiate it with further learning through books, with entertainment through games, with activity through cycling, with spiritual growth through fellowship and prayer......yet still, this uneasiness remains.

I'm not sure if I've pinpointed exactly what it is, but I do think that I've got a good idea what is happening.

The other day, I met my mother-in-law at McDonalds. She had Keegan and he told her that the needed to go to McDonalds for lunch. Not being one to disappoint her grandson, she happily took him there knowing full well that his intentions were to play more than they were to eat lunch. By the time I arrived, Keegan was in full playtime-mode. He maneuvered himself throughout the tunnels with ease. He hopped over floor obstacles like a refined track athlete leaping over hurdles. He laughed, he made friends, he laughed some more.

As I sat watching him, I started to survey the room. I noted that Keegan was one of the older children. Most all others were still in diapers. Many of them carried around their sippy cup. When an argument between two of the children broke out, there was lots of finger pointing followed by verbiage only their mothers could interpret. A few were beginning to rub their eyes indicating their need for a nap. And most every mother within the walls of this playland had that frazzled look. Their hair pulled back with wisps of a few strands going wild. Their shirts stained with sweet potatoes. And on their face was a pleasant expression with panic just below the surface. I could tell that these moms needed a nap too. They looked exhausted & confused, yet determined & self-empowered.

Then I saw myself. I sat there calm, content and at peace. I knew that my arsenal could handle anything that Keegan threw my way. Nothing frazzled me. I've done this for 9 years...sippy cups, diapers, mediation over who sat on the musical shoe first, drool, sleepless nights, teething, potty training, ABC's, and the self condemnation that seems to follow every mother like a shadow.

I wanted to say to all the other moms, "Come on, you can do this. It's only for a season and it's worth it. You made the right choice in deciding to stay at home. Don't give up. You're doing a great job. I made it, you can too! It does get easier, I promise!!" Instead, I would just smile with understanding when eye contact was made. And then it hit me......

Could this unsettled feeling that I have be the pains of transition? The turning of a page? For the last 9 years, there has always been a toddler in my lap. There has always been a butt to wipe, a boo-boo to kiss, a book to be read. Now, Keegan can navigate the tv and dvd player. He can play with his toys without having me there to watch. He doesn't need me as much. At least not as much as toddlers need their mom.

These last 9 years, my purpose and role has been very well defined. Now, I am at the cusp of a new chapter. And to be frank, I don't know where to take my first step. Do I return to work? If so, should it be full-time or part-time? Should I return to school? What is my purpose and role now? What skill-set do I need for this next chapter of parenting....well, besides my wooden spoon? Have I done a good job? Have I neglected my husband too much while focusing on babies/toddlers/pre-k'ers? At this point, I think I have more questions than answers.

One thing that I do have however, is a glimpse as to why I have been unsettled. I can see now that I have been searching for my new place...for my new role. I still don't know what that is. I still am apprehensive about making the wrong decisions. I still want to do what is best for my family.

Now that I see the closing of an old chapter and the beginning of a new one, I pray that I can celebrate my past victories and embrace my coming ones with confidence.

Natasha Bedingfield - New Music - More Music Videos

Isn't that ironic?

Ok, I know that I haven't posted consistently in what seems like forever. I need to get back on the ball and at least journal things like the event I had not 20 minutes ago. Oh, how I one day will look back on this and laugh....right now, I can't get past my throbbing headache.

So, I'm putting some final touches on the Christmas Newsletter. On one side of the page is a column which highlights some of the big events for us in 2008. I note that we purchased a house here in Texas. I wrote that Dallas started Kindergarten. I typed that Keegan mastered the toilet. And upon thinking of what I could note about Jason, I notice that the dog wants to go upstairs but is blocked by the baby gate. So I hop up from the couch and begin to climb the stairs to unlock the gate at the top.

As I follow behind the dog, I notice that I'm lucky enough to catch a whiff of the gas coming out of her back end..... no wait, THAT'S NOT THE DOG! By the time that I'm at the top of the stairs, I see Keegan standing there naked spreading a brown substance all over his legs with his index finger. In a loud, high pitch tone, I ask what he thinks he's doing.... to which he tells me, "I poop in my bedroom". "What do you mean, "you poop in your bedroom"...where are your clothes?" I then dash to the bathroom to see the toilet completely clean...no chance of an accidental toilet seat rub that caused this mess on my child. So I make my way to his bedroom only to find a fresh turd sitting square in the middle of his room. By now, the dog is sniffing it and going nuts. And I think, THIS CAN'T BE.... I JUST WROTE THAT YOU HAD MASTERED THE TOILET!!!!

I couldn't make this stuff up. I think I'm calling it a night and will join my snoring husband in bed. How he manages to miss these ironic episodes, I will never know.

Shopping Cart Safety

Having more than one child is such a strange phenomenon. When Jason was born, Kenny and I did everything by the book. Any first time parent would probably see themselves in us. The car seats were professionally inspected for proper installation. Diapers were changed every hour on the hour whether needed or not. And if Jason even coughed suspiciously, we were at the doctor's office.

Then came Dallas, and we loosened up a little. We felt more comfortable in our parenting skin and knew that every time that he cried, it was not the end of the world. We were still cautious parents, but not as crazy as we were with Jason.

Now that Keegan is almost 2 and a half, we are practically pros. In fact, we could probably partner up and write a parenting book. However.....

You'd think that common sense would override parenting confidence when it comes to the most common faux pas. For example: shopping cart safety.

We all know the importance of keeping our little ones strapped in their proper seat. Oh, did I mention that I'm a parenting pro? Those strict shopping cart rules are for newbies! So...Keegan wants to hang out in the larger area of the cart....Keegan gets to hang out in the larger area of the cart. Hey, he's child number 3 and all I care about now is silence....not safety. Besides, like I said, I'm a parenting pro and can certainly manage my son in a shopping cart.

Well, as much as I'd like to claim that protecting him was just what I was able to do yesterday during our afternoon run to Wal-Mart, I just couldn't overcome the law of physics. Those laws would indicate that when child is standing in a movable object, and the object moves without the child prepared to move with it....said child will stay in place while object moves from under him. Translation: When I pull a shopping cart backward while Keegan is standing in it, chances are he is going to fall forward out of the basket and land directly on his head. Low and behold, that's just what happened. Right there in lane #12 in front of security cameras (I'm expecting CPS to knock on the front door any day now), customers, workers and other mothers shooting me their glares of disapproval.

I fully expected him to vomit in response to such a violent strike to the head. I was sure that he would have at the least, a concussion. However, he actually turned out fine. Just a small lump on the corner of his forehead. It sounded and looked much worse than what it was. That didn't stop the Wal-Mart manager from asking me to fill out an incident report. (Gotta protect themselves...completely understandable.) But on the flip side, Keegan did get a free bag of M&M's out of the ordeal. Once again, I suspect that the majority of the scarring will be taken on by my emotional state. The guilt kept me awake last night. If I said, "I know better than that." once, I said it a million times.

I guess I'm just grateful that God made children so pliable. I realized early on that Keegan would take full advantage of that fact. We are talking about the same child who snapped off the tip of his finger earlier this year, remember?

I now fully understand why my parents always said that it hurt them more than it hurt me. If I could have taken the fall for Keegan yesterday, I would have done it a thousand times just to keep the tears from rolling down his face. The sad fact is that I could have prevented it. But the basket seat was wet and rather than ask for a towel to dry it off, I let Keegan have his way and ride where I knew he wasn't the safest.

Was the lesson learned? I'd say so. I just wish for my children's sake that I didn't always have to learn things the hard way.

Blessed

The last couple of weeks have been pretty eventful around our house. In my previous post, I mentioned that my dear friend, Erin had come into town for a visit. As expected, the time went by way too fast. We really didn't do too much as far as tourist attractions. Mostly, we just enjoyed each other's company through the everyday life events like grocery shopping, baseball games, family time and girlfriend conversation. We did visit the Dallas Arboretum, which was nice. It would have been much more fun had the weather cooperated, but it was still nice nonetheless. Anyway, the time spent together was much needed. Even though I hated to see her head back home, I was so grateful that she came.

A couple of days after Erin boarded a plane home, I was back at the airport picking up our next house guests. Kenny's younger brother, Justin and his wife Jessica decided that they would come out for a visit. When Jessica told me that they were thinking about taking vacation out this way, I was a bit surprised. I honestly thought that Texas was the LAST place they'd want to come...especially considering that for the same airfare, they could have gone to Costa Rica. Hmmm...Texas? Costa Rica? I don't get it, but hey...I was very excited that they did decide to come and hang out.

We definitely did more of the tourist type of thing with them. We visited the JFK 6th Floor Museum, Six Flags over Texas, The Fort Worth Stockyards and even spent an afternoon horseback riding along Grapevine Lake. The horseback riding was a blast. It was their idea....and I'm glad that they had it. We were able to take Jason and Dallas both. (Jason got his own horse and Dallas rode with the trail guide.) And had Jason not been yelling at his horse the whole time for snacking, I'm sure we would have seen some white tail deer, coyotes and bobcats. Turns out the only other animal we saw aside from the horses were a couple of dogs and a few goats that hung around the stables.

Considering that Justin and Jessica were here during Halloween, we also took in a Pumpkin Patch and enjoyed our first Trick or Treating adventure around the neighborhood.

Aside from a nasty bug that worked its way around the boys and Jessica, the time spent together was really nice. We were able to show them around town and take them to some of our favorite places to eat. Jessica even told me that Texas wasn't as bad as she thought it would be. Yeah, that's what I think too. Once you get use to it, it starts to grow on you. Mind you, you'll never hear me say that Texas is my dream location....but it's turning out to be alright.

On one final note, we have taken our house in Reno off the market and rented it out. We're still not able to charge enough rent to cover our payment, but it's a lot easier to fork out an additional $150 bucks a month vs $1500. I just hope that these tenants work out better than our last set. And in another year or two, maybe the market will have rebounded. In the meantime, we'll rent out the house in Reno and then try to find something for us to buy around here. In fact, we've already got our eyes on a house around the corner from us that is bank owned. Let's just hope that they bank is willing to get it off their books for the price we want to pay.

Well, I must say that it feels great to finally have the house off of our back and to have been filled up with the love that our house guests brought. It makes the upcoming Thanksgiving season more meaningful. We certainly are a blessed family.

What Qualifies?

Yesterday, I attended a luncheon/baby shower for a lovely friend who is due in December. Her and her husband are adding a baby girl to the two boys that they already have. She is incredibly small for the month that she is in and looks absolutely fabulous.

The shower was a small affair; only about 7 ladies attended. For the most part, the common denominator is baseball and our sons. With only an exception or two, most of our sons have at one time or another played on the same baseball team. Through those games, we have established a friendship of sorts and have on occasion gone out for drinks and dinner after a game.

Over the course of the shower was the expected casual talk. During one exchange, I mentioned that I stay at home. Two of the ladies showed a level of surprise accompanied by the response that I didn't strike them as the "stay at home" type. And that got me to wondering.... what exactly IS the "stay at home" type?

Thinking back on my treasured days with my fellow stay-at-home moms in Reno, I reviewed who they were and where they came from. Several had post-graduate degrees, most had at least a 4 year degree, and every single one of us left a promising career. Speaking for myself, there have been countless occasions where I have wondered how in the world I could be programming one day and wiping butt the next.

I then moved on to appearance. I wondered if maybe "stay at home moms" stereotypically let themselves go. Do we look unkept? Are we constantly frazzled? I guess I can understand that stereotype. There are only so many times you can get barfed on before your wardrobe starts to look a little drab. However, once again I thought back to the ladies I know and can very vividly recall physical and inward beauty beyond measure. They showered and put make up on daily and even ironed their clothes when needed.

Then the realization kicked in that maybe stay at home moms are more loving and prepared for their children. Do they have chilled sippy cups at any given moment? Are they constantly stocked with healthy snacks? Suddenly, flashbacks of the previous day hit me and I wonder how I must look to those around me.

You see, I could tell right away that Saturday was going to be "one of those days" with my youngest son, Keegan. Alone and at wits end, I still had to manage a 2 hour volunteer shift at the baseball concession stand with kids in tow. The only reinforcements that I had were the bribed eyes of Jason and the trusted enforcer of all that is good....my wooden spoon.

Yes, I admit it....I have a wooden spoon and I use it on my children's backside when needed. Believe me, I don't have to use it often. The mere sight of it causes their pucker reflex to kick in and miraculously, they change whatever behavior has prompted me to pull out the spoon in the first place. Anyway, I brought it to the baseball field as a visual reminder for Keegan. It sat in my side cargo pant pocket and caught the fearful eye of many children and the chuckle of many mothers. Mostly though, I preoccupied Keegan with about 7 slushies. Only a couple of times did I pull out the spoon to remind him that it was only a grab away.

So back to my curiosity....what qualifies me to not strike someone as a stay at home mom? I didn't take their comment as an insult, nor do I believe that they meant it as such. But as I sit here and try to break down the meaning of it, I admit that I am curious. Is it my appearance, my verbiage, my attitude, my lack of preparedness....I can only sit here and wonder.