I signed up for WHAT?

About a week ago, I was on the phone with my brother who was telling me that he and his wife had both lost about 20 lbs in the last month. I cringed when he told me how, some new diet pill called Alli. Admittedly, I live under a rock; I had never heard of it the pill or the plan. I just don't pay attention to what the latest fad diet is. I think most diets and diet plans are a bunch of hooey. Common sense and hard work should get anyone to their weight loss goals....that's my opinion at least. However, he ranted on about how it's the only FDA approved item out there and then continued to explain to me how it works.


In addition to the normal dieting that you would submit to, adding this pill apparently blocks your body from digesting about 25% of the fat that you intake which in turn does not allow those extra calories and fat to get absorbed into your body. Instead, the undigested fat is eliminated through your bowels.


My brother then went on to warn me about the only side effect....they're called "treatments". Apparently, if you go over your allotted grams of fat per meal, you may experience the immediate need to rush to the commode. He said that Alli calls them "treatments", but he refers to them as ass explosions. I got a good chuckle out of his stories and in the end thought that the true power behind this plan was the motivation it creates to not experience these "treatments" in public. Well, to make a long story short, he convinced me that the pills were worth a try...so I bought a bottle.


I asked Kenny if he wanted to join me....to which he quickly responded "No thank you, I'd like to keep my dignity in tact." He said that he would see how my body responded to any possible "treatments" and then would think about it. Well to me...that sounded like a challenge, so I told him I'd do it and prove him wrong. I am destined for my size 8's.....and have been for a long time.


OK...fast forward to today. The pills came and I've been reading up on my customized eating plan and such. I skim through the literature regarding how the pills work and the exercise that will be needed. I note to myself that I'm already working out pretty regularly so I don't see the exercise really being a hurdle to overcome. And then I come across the notes on the "treatments" and how to manage them. As you can imagine, my eyebrows shot straight up when I read their suggestion to wear dark pants while getting use to the plan. I'm guessing that's so that when you crap yourself, people won't notice right away? I'm also urged to stay home and close to the bathroom for the first few days on this plan as the urgency and immediate need for a commode may be relevant.


Great....what have I gotten myself into? I certainly am not going to give up on something that I haven't even tried...yet I'm suddenly wondering how absorbent the astronaut diapers were that Lisa Nowak wore. Hmmm.....


I guess the one good thing that will come of this is the fact that I should have gluts of steal in another month. I guarantee that they will be puckered and constricted the entire time that I'm participating in my latest weight loss attempt. If that doesn't tone them up...nothing will.