Unsettled

I've been bored for the last several months. Not in so much as the "nothing to do" sort of boredom. One look around my life and anyone can see that there are plenty of things to do. Rather, it's a stirring of being unsettled. Something inside of me is bubbling up and to be honest, for months I haven't been able to pinpoint exactly what it is. I have often thought that it's just my attention deficit tendencies gearing up for my next project. But then, something comes over me and I realize that's not the case. This uneasiness is different. And I've tried to satiate it with further learning through books, with entertainment through games, with activity through cycling, with spiritual growth through fellowship and prayer......yet still, this uneasiness remains.

I'm not sure if I've pinpointed exactly what it is, but I do think that I've got a good idea what is happening.

The other day, I met my mother-in-law at McDonalds. She had Keegan and he told her that the needed to go to McDonalds for lunch. Not being one to disappoint her grandson, she happily took him there knowing full well that his intentions were to play more than they were to eat lunch. By the time I arrived, Keegan was in full playtime-mode. He maneuvered himself throughout the tunnels with ease. He hopped over floor obstacles like a refined track athlete leaping over hurdles. He laughed, he made friends, he laughed some more.

As I sat watching him, I started to survey the room. I noted that Keegan was one of the older children. Most all others were still in diapers. Many of them carried around their sippy cup. When an argument between two of the children broke out, there was lots of finger pointing followed by verbiage only their mothers could interpret. A few were beginning to rub their eyes indicating their need for a nap. And most every mother within the walls of this playland had that frazzled look. Their hair pulled back with wisps of a few strands going wild. Their shirts stained with sweet potatoes. And on their face was a pleasant expression with panic just below the surface. I could tell that these moms needed a nap too. They looked exhausted & confused, yet determined & self-empowered.

Then I saw myself. I sat there calm, content and at peace. I knew that my arsenal could handle anything that Keegan threw my way. Nothing frazzled me. I've done this for 9 years...sippy cups, diapers, mediation over who sat on the musical shoe first, drool, sleepless nights, teething, potty training, ABC's, and the self condemnation that seems to follow every mother like a shadow.

I wanted to say to all the other moms, "Come on, you can do this. It's only for a season and it's worth it. You made the right choice in deciding to stay at home. Don't give up. You're doing a great job. I made it, you can too! It does get easier, I promise!!" Instead, I would just smile with understanding when eye contact was made. And then it hit me......

Could this unsettled feeling that I have be the pains of transition? The turning of a page? For the last 9 years, there has always been a toddler in my lap. There has always been a butt to wipe, a boo-boo to kiss, a book to be read. Now, Keegan can navigate the tv and dvd player. He can play with his toys without having me there to watch. He doesn't need me as much. At least not as much as toddlers need their mom.

These last 9 years, my purpose and role has been very well defined. Now, I am at the cusp of a new chapter. And to be frank, I don't know where to take my first step. Do I return to work? If so, should it be full-time or part-time? Should I return to school? What is my purpose and role now? What skill-set do I need for this next chapter of parenting....well, besides my wooden spoon? Have I done a good job? Have I neglected my husband too much while focusing on babies/toddlers/pre-k'ers? At this point, I think I have more questions than answers.

One thing that I do have however, is a glimpse as to why I have been unsettled. I can see now that I have been searching for my new place...for my new role. I still don't know what that is. I still am apprehensive about making the wrong decisions. I still want to do what is best for my family.

Now that I see the closing of an old chapter and the beginning of a new one, I pray that I can celebrate my past victories and embrace my coming ones with confidence.

Natasha Bedingfield - New Music - More Music Videos

Grooming Keegan

Keegan surprises me a lot of times with his larger than life personality. He cracks me up with his sense of humor and amazes me with his thought process.

Recently, we pass the flower aisle at the grocery store and he chimes in with his request for flowers so that he can give them to me. As precious as that was, I told him that just knowing that he wanted to give me the flowers was enough followed by, "That's something that you ask Daddy to buy when it's just you and him at the store."

Well, Kenny and Keegan ran into Albertsons today as Jason, Dallas and myself waited in the car. Next thing I know, there is Keegan running up to my side of the car with this bouquet of flowers. He did just what I suggested and waited until it was he and Kenny in the store and then asked his Daddy to buy him some flowers so that he could give them to me. It was all his idea and his presentation of the flowers was priceless. With pride he handed them over telling me, "I bought you flowers, Momma!". He then gave me 2 hugs and a kiss and then climbed into his car seat. As I enjoyed the thoughts of him becoming a little gentleman, he shouted, "And now you won't spank my butt!"

Hmmm....seems that he is learning early to sweet talk the women in his life before he gets in trouble. I guarantee that the next time he gets into a little hot water, he will remind me of this nice gesture. His wheels are always spinning, that's for sure. :-)

Dumb Blonde

Recently, Kenny and I decided that we were going to refinance our house here in Texas to a 15 year fixed. We originally had plans on selling it in 2010, but the markets are good for refinance, and chances are, we won't sell anytime soon. So I took action to get the loan refinanced from a 30 to 15 year.

Since we've committed to staying in this house a little longer than we originally thought, I've been looking at the house with new eyes. Now I'm seeing all the home projects that need to be done since it will be a long term stay. Things like new paint colors, landscape ideas, and one area that definitely needs addressing are the upstairs windows.

There isn't anything wrong with the windows, per se. They work fine. But the placement of them on the upstairs level is just ridiculous. They are only about 2 feet off the ground. They are tall windows...this isn't a matter of aesthetics. The problem is that with a 3 year old in the house, we can NEVER open them upstairs. It's just too easy for Keegan to fall out of them. I don't know what architect thought of this brilliant idea. Anyway, it's something that we need to get fixed if we ever want a cool breeze to flow through our house.

The other day, I heard on the radio an advertisement from a window company offering 10 windows for $39.95. I was only half listening, but it caught my attention and registered in my brain: 10 for $39.95. I mentioned it to Kenny, a bit perplexed at the catch and he asked me if it was for window cleaning. I said I didn't know and would listen for the add again. So when I heard it again and verified that it wasn't for window cleaning, I wrote down the information and called to make an appointment for a free estimate. All this time, I had been wondering what the catch was. Is this for the glass only? How much for the hardware and labor? I thought that they were going to say, "Yeah, the windows are that much, but the labor is $800."...or something like that. I knew I was stepping into some marketing scheme. But my thought was that if I could get a ballpark figure as to how much it would be, at least I'd know what route to take regarding our upstairs windows.

Well, today was our consultation. Kenny had been up all day and decided to stay up until the guys showed up. I ran out to pick up the boys from Kathy and on the way back, I called Kenny to find out if the window guys had shown up yet as I was running about 5 minutes late. He told me that they had shown up and had already left. Kenny, I'm sure, played the part of "I-can't-believe-my-wife-is-so-dingy" husband as he teased me about my window find. He told me that the 10 windows were $4,000. I couldn't understand this no matter how I ran the math. Even if they were $40 a piece, that only amounted to $400. So what extra cost brought them to $4,000? Kenny actually had to explain it a couple of times until I realized that the radio advertisement was for $3,995 for 10 windows....not $39.95. Uh.......oh........yeah.......that makes sense.........wow, this is really embarrassing......really.....really....embarassing. Well, at least I wasn't there when the window guys showed up. Then I would have had to face that embarrassing dilemma personally. Wow....this is almost as embarrassing as when I walked into that pole a couple of weeks ago....just like this guy.

Angels

As I recall last night's events, I'm finding myself pretty grateful. Not only because Keegan's temperature dropped down quickly from 106.7 to 104 to what it is today, 101. But because I have angels in my life like Briana Moss.

Briana, thank you again for being there for this panicked mother. Thank you for sleeping with your phone by your side "just in case". Thank you for never clocking out of your role as Nurse. But mostly, thank you for being such a prime example of what a true friend is. I am indebted and honored to know you.

Mini-vacation

So...I haven't been the best at keeping up with my blogs. And I guess if I were going to set a New Years resolution, it would be to post more often. But since I don't have much to say, I will just post the pictures. A few are from Fall baseball, a couple are from Christmas time, but the majority of them are from our family's recent Martin Luther King weekend get-away to Florida.

Isn't that ironic?

Ok, I know that I haven't posted consistently in what seems like forever. I need to get back on the ball and at least journal things like the event I had not 20 minutes ago. Oh, how I one day will look back on this and laugh....right now, I can't get past my throbbing headache.

So, I'm putting some final touches on the Christmas Newsletter. On one side of the page is a column which highlights some of the big events for us in 2008. I note that we purchased a house here in Texas. I wrote that Dallas started Kindergarten. I typed that Keegan mastered the toilet. And upon thinking of what I could note about Jason, I notice that the dog wants to go upstairs but is blocked by the baby gate. So I hop up from the couch and begin to climb the stairs to unlock the gate at the top.

As I follow behind the dog, I notice that I'm lucky enough to catch a whiff of the gas coming out of her back end..... no wait, THAT'S NOT THE DOG! By the time that I'm at the top of the stairs, I see Keegan standing there naked spreading a brown substance all over his legs with his index finger. In a loud, high pitch tone, I ask what he thinks he's doing.... to which he tells me, "I poop in my bedroom". "What do you mean, "you poop in your bedroom"...where are your clothes?" I then dash to the bathroom to see the toilet completely clean...no chance of an accidental toilet seat rub that caused this mess on my child. So I make my way to his bedroom only to find a fresh turd sitting square in the middle of his room. By now, the dog is sniffing it and going nuts. And I think, THIS CAN'T BE.... I JUST WROTE THAT YOU HAD MASTERED THE TOILET!!!!

I couldn't make this stuff up. I think I'm calling it a night and will join my snoring husband in bed. How he manages to miss these ironic episodes, I will never know.

Positives Cancel Negatives

I would be lying if I said that the last couple of weeks have been a walk in the park. Just like eating a great meal only to have heartburn hours later, my days of peace and stress-free living have been replaced by acidic attacks of disappointment and anxiety. I realize that good times and bad are cyclical, so I will ride this season out with my head up.

To negate the events that have me losing sleep, I did have a couple of events that put a pure smile on my face. The first was having some very dear friends of mine, the Davenports, come for a visit. I use the term "friends" pretty loosely considering that they are more like family. Rhonda is one of 3 other ladies that I keep in regular contact with through bi-weekly conference calls. She is an invaluable friend who constantly speaks wisdom, love and perspective into my life. And while she was here, we were able to enjoy some of the best things in life: Sunday morning service, great food, and an long overdue pedicure.

The other event that really filled my heart to the brim was my date night with Jason and Dallas. They have been anticipating the release of "Star Wars: The Clone Wars" ever since they saw the poster advertising its upcoming release. I told them that I would take them out on a double-date the night that it was released. When the release date came out, they started counting down the weeks, then the days, then the hours.

I started "date night" with Jason and Dallas a couple of years back. The majority of the time, it is and opportunity for them to have an evening out alone with Mom. We normally will go to dinner and a movie and then maybe even do a little something fun after that. Mostly, it's an opportunity for us to just have that one-on-one time that they so desperately crave and need.

During our date, I try to teach them what a young man should do, not just on date night, but on a regular basis. IE: Open and hold the door for his date, pull out the chair, use good manners, etc. Basically, I try to teach them how to treat a lady. Kenny does as well...but they don't get to practice what they are taught with Kenny. It's on date night with Mom that they get to show me their date skills.

Their skills do not disappoint, that is for sure. On our last date, Jason came out of his bedroom wearing his best shirt, hair combed, teeth brushed and proclaiming that he was ready. Mind you, any other day, it would be wrinkled t-shirts, dirty shorts, uncombed hair and barely brushed teeth. A metro-sexual, he is not.

Dallas didn't dress up too much, yet during our date, he brought a huge smile to my face on several occasions. He and Jason would fight over who was going to hold the door for me and when asked what restaurant they wanted to go to for dinner, he replied, "I don't care, Mommy. I just want you to have a lovely evening."

A lovely evening it definitely was. Definitely.

The Shack

William Young, author of "The Shack", was in Orlando at the Christian Retailers Convention that I attended this last week. After hearing a bit about the book from newly made friends, I found myself in a conference room watching and listening to the author as he told the story of how this book came to be.

I was immediately drawn in by my own curiosity. It held the title of "NY Times Best Seller", and enticed me with the question, "Who is God, really?".

Hmm, I know the answer to that question...at least I thought I did.

Having just read the last page of this masterpiece, I admit that a new found understanding of Him has been revealed. Almost like a new layer has been peeled back and exposed for my pleasure.

I can see why this book has been a best seller. It breaks and rebuilds the reader. It shatters stereotypes and predetermined ideas and replaces them with character traits that are more in sync with what is written in black and red. Truth be told, reading this book was like drinking from a fire hydrant. I will certainly be revisiting this story again and again.

What a phenomenal gift that God has given to us through William Young. Knowing that it will eventually make it's way to the silver screen has me waiting in anticipation.

Bravo, William Young! And thank you.

Chapter one can be read beginning here.

I Know What Fire Tastes Like

I spent this last week in Orlando, FL for a Christian Retailers trade show. I was there to help promote get the WORD out clothing co. with my dear friends and company owners, Robb & Marie Jackson. It is ALWAYS a blast whenever we get together. We all have the same sense of humor, the same deep rooted faith and the same desires to see get the WORD out become everything that we believe it was meant to be.

The first opportunity that allowed us an evening of casual/no obligations dining was Wednesday night. Having previously been there, I recommended that we dine at Tijuana Flats, a local fast/casual restaurant whose claim to fame is their "hot bar".

The "hot bar" consists of about 12 different hot sauces varying in flavor and intensity. On the milder side, you will find "Sissy Sauces" including my personal favorite, "Slap My SWEET Ass And Call Me Sally Sweet". It is the perfect blend of spice and sweetness. It's yummy!

On the extreme opposite are "Death Wish Sauces". I've never ventured to that side of the hot bar, knowing full well that the intensity would be a little over the top for my comfort level.

Somehow in the middle of dinner, my brother in law, Justin, brought over the hottest sauce available. Looking back, I may have mentioned that "hot" doesn't bother me so much as "onion-ish" flavoring. And I may have inadvertently let the words, "Sure, I'll try it," pass through my lips.

As I grabbed a chip and began to thoroughly dip it in the sauce, I noticed that Marie also grabbed a chip and dipped it in the sauce as well. She didn't quite get the same amount on her chip as I did, but the fact that she was traveling down this road of stupidity with me says a lot about her character and loyalty. My sista wasn't going to let me do this alone. So we counted down and on "one", popped our sauce covered chips into our mouths.

Now, you'd think that common sense would have some sort of bearing in my life. I'd like to think that I'm somewhat intelligent. For Pete's sake, I use to write in programming code; I'm not an idiot... on most days, that is. On this particular day, all common sense and intelligence not only left my brain, but also wiped their fingerprints on the way out. You see, I figured that if I was going to truly experience this "Death Wish" sauce, I would need to roll the contents around in my mouth so as to insure complete coverage of the roof, cheeks and tongue before swallowing. So, that is just what I did.

The initial wave of intensity wasn't so bad. It was hot, spicy and intense...but tolerable. And just as I opened my mouth to say so, it hit me. Passing air through my mouth...the simple act of breathing intensified the sauce to an indescribable level. Ten seconds in, the insides of my mouth literally feel like they are ON FIRE. Beads of sweat formed not only on my upper lip and forehead, but also on my scalp. A white fog seemed to have settled around my eyes...could it be the smoke coming from my mouth? And as if they were in a tunnel, I hear Robb, Justin and Jessica laughing hysterically at both Marie and I. At this point, I look over to Marie only to see her sticking her tongue into a cup of ice water. Great idea!! I grab a cup myself and as I lower my head downward, streams of snot come gushing out of my nose.

Once I manage to mop up that lovely mess, I begin to alternate between dipping my tongue and lips into the cup of ice water and wiping the insides of my mouth with napkins. I could give a flying fart about how I look to others in the restaurant and the scene that we are making. The pain is FOR REAL. Unfortunately, neither the napkins nor ice water really help to alleviate the pain. It would seem that time would be the only antidote.

Justin coaches us through the traumatic event with giggles all the while. "Stay with it...enjoy the endorphin rush...stay with it." I'm thinking that I will strangle him when this is all said and done.

Within 5 minutes, I believe we were both able to regain our composure. The pain had subsided enough to allow us to act in a manner which wouldn't warrant a call to the psych ward.

I don't regret the experience. And the fact that Marie stepped up alongside made it even more of an experience. Hey, we bonded in a way that few will ever understand. Never mind the fact that the bonding occurred over a sauce in the same "Death Wish" category as "Ass Reaper" and "Colon Blow".

Ah...good times....good times, indeed.

You just lost one...